Holes

There is a hole
a space that isnt filled
an emptiness
a gap in a line of portraits
When you step back, and look at the bigger picture
its all you see
your eyes are invariably brought back back to that one spot
where you didnt take a chance
made a mistake
fell a little harder
than you'd like
and took that part with you
on the way down
its all you can see, even when you close your eyes
you can feel it's presense,
the lack thereof

When I painted my room this summer I had to strip the wallpaper, sand down all the imperfections, and then fill all the holes.
There was this moment when everything was bare, when I could finally see everything that was underneath, that I wondered if I should just leave it as it was. It wasn't pretty, but it was bareable. There were patches of different colours, irregularities in the walls.
There were holes.

I really did contemplate leaving it that way.
My room has as much a right to being flawed as I do.
It's in our nature to screw up, to be indecisice, and make mistakes. But it is also in our nature to mask these inherent flaws.
The moment passed quickly and I was hard at work, spackle in hand, filling in the holes. Once the paste dried I sanded down the dents in the wall. It was time for the finale, I grabbed the roller, poured out some paint, and let the brush strokes fill the silence.
I think you'll find that we are always painting walls.
If we can't just fill in the gaps, or make it disappear, we gloss it over, try and make it into something new.
But what you really end up with is another reminder of what's underneath, a mirror that reflects below the surface.
When something has fallen, you pick it up. If something is broken you try to fix it. We have a predisposition for order.
High stability=Low energy, and we're biologically in favour of stability.
If there is a hole, you try to fill it.

Maybe you need to have a few pieces missing.
It's way too early to have the whole picture.
I'm not going to try to fill the space.
Maybe someday I'll find what it is I'm looking for, or maybe if I'm really lucky, it will find me.

Bed of Fears

This is the last thing I wrote, so it's the first thing I am going to post. The only things I know about love, are the emotions I've felt. I know very little, but for the first time in a while, I want to know more.

There is something scary about innocence

something forlorn about bliss

it’s a contradiction of sorts

when eternity is just a kiss

I lost yesterday by a breath
And today is another wrong to right
The floor beneath me shatters
And that’s how I fall asleep tonight

It’s what lies beyond the horizon
That keeps me wanting more
The unspoken warmth of tomorrow
That I’m always searching for

I don’t want once upon a time,
or happily ever after
I don’t want the bookends of fairytales
All I want is your laughter

Where is the heart I wore on my sleeve
The compassion once whole,
Where is the requiem
For the pieces you stole

It’s like catching stars
Nothings impossible to a child
But you learn through life
Not to let your imagination run wild

Now every time I lay out my hand
Every time I turn the page
The past serves as a bad review
Before I even reach the stage

I’m waiting for a someday
The absence of this fear
An eternity that lasts a lifetime
To whisper sweet nothings in your ear

And when the cards are facing down
and your hand is by my side
I’ll pull apart the curtains
And never try to hide